“I thank god everyday for my life, and you would too!” This is the tagline of the woman I will be mercilessly making fun of throughout this post. She makes it way too easy. Alexis’ twins are turning 4, and she has this clever idea of calling it the ‘Puppy/Princess’, pardon – ‘Princess/Puppy Party’. Bet you’ll never guess why she named it that?? Anyone?? Time’s up! Get this – her twins really love princesses, and the second part is because they really love puppies! I mean you just don’t get such an awesome play on words like that everyday, you know? How she handles those intense news segments on Fox, designs her pageant dresses AND throws these parties is beyond me. It must be great to be the queen of her castle. So in preparation for the festivities, she appropriately gets a spray tan to begin phase one of looking ‘fabulous’. More on her later in the broadcast, now back to Slade in ‘dude can’t take a hint and back off’ land…
…Slade is engagement ring shopping for Gretchen, and oddly enough has Heather as his accomplice. He had her get information from Gretchen last night, and they find that Gretchen really fancies canary yellow diamonds. They’re at some fancy private jeweler, which he KNOWS he can’t afford (yet another hint that maybe this just isn’t the right thing to do), and has the balls to ask if they can use an imitation stone in the ring until he can save enough money for a real stone. I’m thinking she likes that yellow diamond, maybe he can just get a really bad diamond? That way it has colors in it already, you know? Heather looks like she is about to whip out a gun and shoot him point blank for even thinking ‘imitation’, and suggests he gets a band instead. He then makes an odd joke about robbing a bank, which now has the employee of the store looking like they want to shoot him, while Heather lets out a nervously ashamed laugh and hurries him out of the store. W.O.W.
Heather then invites Gretchen over to talk about everything. And by everything, I mean Slade. Gretchen basically says the same thing as she said to Tamra in the last episode; she’s scared of Slade’s financial situation, she’s been through a tough divorce before, and she generally doesn’t want to get married again. So I’m left wondering about their other conversation, the one where Gretchen supposedly admitted to wanting a canary yellow diamond. If she spills this much about her opposition to marriage just by bringing up the word ‘marriage’, how did Heather ask her about engagement rings? Maybe I’m looking too much into it, taking the ‘reality’ part of ‘reality tv’ too literally.
Random moment – Tamra shows up at Heather’s husband’s surgery center to get the skin on her finger removed where Simon’s name is tattooed. However, the appointment takes a lot longer than it should, since Tamra can’t seem to stay out of the bathroom. She shamelessly admits to everyone that she has ‘nervous diarrhea’ and runs back and forth about 3 times before she settles down enough for the 10 minute procedure. She does, however, assure the dr that she didn’t use the hand he’s cutting to touch anything. I wonder if she’s that sexy when she’s with Eddie.
And now back to Casa Alexis for an update on the Princess Puppy gala! Supermom has gone all out, hiring princesses (girls in random pink gowns and tiaras) and puppies (who end up pissing on her floor, haha). All the kids are dressed like Snow White or Cinderella, and there’s even some dude dressed as a butler handing out snacks. Yeah, Alexis has gone all out, indeed. I don’t know why she chose 4 as the age where they get the grand ball, but she says they probably won’t have another party like it until their sweet sixteen. I wonder what the theme of that one will be…Abortions and Alienation? Only time will tell.
One of the best moments of the episode, hell, of the season thus far is Alexis’ speech before her kid’s ‘grand entrance’. Mind you, she’s talking to a room full of 3-4 year old kids and their parents, plus some puppies and the hired princesses. She begins by thanking everyone for coming, and blaming all the kids for the lack of formality. She had to know this wasn’t going to be quite as elegant as the ‘We can’t read so we started a wine club’ party from last week, right? I’m sorry, back to the speech. She then goes into the details of the twins’ birth. The fact that they were born at 34 weeks and almost killed her, how she had clots in her lungs that weren’t responding to blood thinners, was admitted for 5 days and that she was on demerol and morphine – and THAT’S what this day is all about. Can this woman give a speech or what?! Just when you think you’re watching a celebration of her twin girls turning 4 and getting this party full of puppies and princesses, Alexis makes sure all the trouble their birth caused her is not forgotten.She’s such a strong warrior! And she is now officially in the running against Tamra for TMI Queen.
Next up they announce a ‘Royal Puppy Princess Parade’, but I see no signs of a parade. I’m officially confused. Basically the kids go outside where all the puppies are in cages, and Alexis yells out to the kids that all those puppies need a home, so start bugging your parents. Can someone point out how this is a parade?? Is it maybe an Orange County parade? I know different places do things differently. After that, they have rides in a Cinderella style carriage and cake. I feel like by not being there, I have definitely missed the event of the decade, and I’ll never forgive myself.
Well, I don’t know why I’m even bothering reviewing rest of the episode, since nothing else can compare to that event, but I’ll continue. Tamra and Eddie are out at dinner, which is no surprise since Tamra was dealing with explosive diarrhea all day, I bet she’s starving. Within minutes, she’s ugly crying about their future. She’s upset because they are at the point in the relationship where Eddie wants to spend more time with her kids so they can be a step closer to getting married. Wait – what’s so sad about that? I thought it was generally a good thing when a man not only accepts, but wants to meet the children of the woman hes dating? She says she’s scared that the kids are gonna ruin it for her, and he shouldn’t want to take on all that responsibility. She then goes into how she’s 5 years older than him (but looks about 10 years older), with kids, and isn’t the typical ‘exotic’ beauty he usually dates. He pretty much tells her that if he can’t deal with the reality of the kids, whatever – that’s life – and they will break up and get over it. Then HE starts whining about her having Simon’s name tattooed on her, so she reveals her freshly scarred finger, sans the tattoo. He declares that he got boner from seeing it. I mean really. These 2 are made for each other. Until the day she comes home with “Eddie” tattooed somewhere on her…
Looks like we’re gonna end things on Briana and Vicki once again. Vicki shows up to Briana’s house looking a hot mess, wanting to talk. Briana makes the point that Vicki has been married since age 19 and doesn’t know who she is as a single woman, and therefore has latched on to the first man that gave her attention. Vicki’s argument? “That’s a valid point. I don’t agree with what you did with Ryan.” (that’s his name! and yeah, I notice I’ve been spelling Briana wrong. sue me.) Um, OK. She kinda admitted fault, but immediately threw the heat back on Briana. She’s just about as smooth as her man Plural Name. She then tries to defend the fact that she’s still married to Don because Don wants spousal support, and that she ‘likes and loves’ Plural Name.
After that, she claims Ryan was still married when he and Briana started talking, citing ‘the internet’ as her source of facts. This, to my joy, sets Briana off! Her exact words? “That was the f*cking internet! You want me to go off on the internet with Brooks? With all the sh*t that’s out there on him? DUI’s, not taking care of his 4 kids by 3 different women…” I’m enjoying this ENTIRELY too much! Vicki is by far the most judge mental woman on this show, so whenever someone finally calls her out on her crap, I get all warm and fuzzy inside. Vicki gets extremely defensive as she always does when confronted and pulls the ‘I’m the mom, so deal with it’ card. Briana isn’t backing down though, and I’m loving her more and more! She even goes so far as to say Vicki was emotionally cheating on Don with PN for a long time, and that she has completely changed. Vicki gets in her face screaming, “I HAVEN’T CHANGED, FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE I’M HAPPY!” Uh, happy people usually don’t say they’re happy by screaming it vehemently into their daughters face.
She then says nothing matters unless her kids and her are close, to which Briana replies, “Except your boyfriend”…my goodness! I am LOVING this! Alexis, I revoke my statement about your horrid birth -I mean – your puppy princess party being the best part of the episode. I have been waiting 23 years for someone to finally put Vicki in her place, and never imagined that her own daughter would be the one to do it! OK, maybe 23 years is a slight exaggeration, but Vicki and Tamra have aged 23 years over the seasons, so its not that far-fetched. The conversation ends with Briana saying Vicki will have separate lives – one with the kids and one with PN, and that she has serious concerns about PN, which she previously mentioned. Vicki, needing to have the last word no matter how stupid, says “I have my concerns too, about Ryan.”, and when Briana asks what those concerns might be, Vicki walks out the door saying, “I guess I’ll tell you separately. I love you. Bye”. Haha, idiot. You know she’s gonna run home, Google Ryan and make a power point presentation about all the negative things she finds.
I love how the last 7 minutes had more substance than the first 50 minutes of the show. I’m so very proud of Briana and hope she’s not the one to break down and reach out first! Is that mean? You think I’m mean?? I’M NOT MEAN, FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE I’M HAPPY!! And I’m actually excited for the next episode.