I wish they would stop pitching this show as young women facing the hardships and realities of being a teen mom. The only true words in that sentence are ‘young’ and ‘teen’. Women? It’s a stretch. And I’m not only referring to their miniscule levels of maturity. Really – they have new hairstyles every week, they take breaks from their ‘jobs’ just to relax, and are constantly being whisked away on all-expenses-paid trips to LA and NY for MTV promotions. If that’s the life of a teen mom, I’m going to whore my daughters out starting at the age of 15. And I’ll make sure to have 4 daughters so I can make a whole season of Teen Mom by myself. I’ll have the responsible one (Maci), the idiot (Farrah/Chelsea), the one who gave up/useless and boring story (Catelynn/Kailyn) and the badass (Jenelle/Amber). Super excited!!
OK, I’ll save the worst for first – Leah must be trying to catch up to Chelsea and Farrah in the stupidity department, because she gets a letter from the doctor that she has some interesting trouble with. First, she can’t pronounce half the words on the letter, and when she attempts to Google the things she doesn’t understand, she can’t seem to type them in either. She decides to call the doctor the next day and have them explain word-for-word what’s going on. The news is pretty much the same as it was last time – the kid doesn’t have anything fatal that they can prove right now, and she’s too young to continue testing. She has to come back in a year, and in the meantime, keep working with that gem of a physical therapist and the leg braces. I guess MTV needed some filler minutes because Leah and Corey basically meet up outside to discuss the letter AGAIN, and reinforce the fact that they’re gonna be strong for the kid. I really hope that Leah understands that her hair needs to be strong to continue doing these awful bleach jobs to it so she can have the powder white hair she truly desires.
Before I forget about this boring story altogether, I’ll get to Kailyn. All she wants is some confirmation that filing for child support against her beastly baby daddy was the right thing to do, because she knows eventually she will have to talk to him face to face about that courageous voicemail she left him after the fact. Her ‘friends’ all say it was the right thing to do, so she finally sets up a meeting with Joe – but not before getting a new hair cut/color for him. Did I say ‘for him’? Surely I don’t mean that. It’s just that I’ve sen her in that black hat for a few weeks now, and suddenly when she has a sit down meal set up with Joe, she’s taking some concern with her appearance. Anyway…at the dinner, Kailyn is rude, Joe is rude and they really get nowhere. He thinks the $500/mo is way too expensive, despite the fact that the only bills he pays are for his car insurance/loan and cell phone. She’s trying to convince him otherwise, and for like a minute straight, starts every sentence she says by flipping her new hair out of her eye and saying,”IF we were together…”, which he quickly rebuts – “But we’re NOT.” to each time. I swear there’s an undertone of flirting with them and I say they just smush and get it over with.
Chelsea. The person who makes me feel dumber just for writing about her. She’s happy about this job she gets at The Brown Dog or something. I laughed at her getting applications because I figured w/o a high school diploma, she’d have some trouble getting a job, but I was wrong – apparently that’s not a huge requirement where Chelsea is from. Someone tell Amber Portwood! She’s gonna need to get her life on track after she gets out of jail. So, Chelsea is calling everyone telling them about her sweet job, and no one really cares. She expects Adam to do backflips and propose on the spot, but settles for him coming over to stay the night. You know, Adam is an asshole, there’s no disputing that. But hell, this far into the relationship, he knows what he can get away with, and as long as she’s gonna let him, I say he should continue to get his! But there’s no gain without pain, as he finds out when Chelsea immediately begins to pick a fight with him as soon as he gets there. She then asks why he even came, and he points out that she asked him to come, and calls her ‘stupid as hell’ for even asking that. That for me was a true moment of happiness. Her family/friend will never call her on her stupidity, so I’m glad we have Adam to save the day. Some nights later, she ends up bitching to her friend about the night with Adam and says she feels dumb because she always tells people it’s going to be different and it never is. She needs to start listening to those around her – after all, they have high school diplomas.
Sweet Jenelle. The pleasant, charming, reliable yet often misunderstood Jenelle. She’s frustrated as ever because her mom is always on her about something, she misses Kieffer, and she can’t smoke. So she decides to change what she can and sparks up a doobie (bonus points if you can name the awesome movie that phrase is from). But today must be her lucky day, because later that day, she has an old friend telling her she needs a roommate ASAP. Jenelle jumps at the chance, but is wary of how Barbara will react. But low and behold, Barbara is just as excited (if not more so) than Jenelle, and just wants to confirm that Jenelle will still come around at least once a week to see Jace. The only other question from Barb is – “So, you movin’ today?!?” And of course, through the magic of television, today is indeed moving day. While packing up her room, Jenelle’s friend finds a note from Kieffer (ok wait – he’s got a cell phone, FaceBook AND can write? I’m slowly starting to see why she fell for him) talking about how perfect they are for each other and blah blah blah. She tears it up and I’m shocked because that would indicate growth from her. But the very next day, Kieffer sends Jenelle a FB message whining about how much he loves her, and how he can change and that they absolutely need to be together. She agrees to meet up with him, and they decide they are ‘talking and working things out.’ They seal it with a kiss, which really can’t be that tasty, seeing as he is STILL wearing his trusty green hoodie. Didn’t he have more clothes last year? And shouldn’t he have more now since Jenelle is making the Teen Mom money? And don’t say anything about that being HER money – the checks may be written to her, but Kieffer is getting all the advantage. He’s such a good man.
Hasta next time… 😉