So I’m finally catching up on the Real Housewives of the OC. The episode I’m reviewing now is from a couple weeks ago, so if you saw it back then, enjoy this trip down memory lane!
We’re in the aftermath of Breanna telling Vicki that she ran off and eloped in Vegas with some dude I’ve never heard of, but whom she’s been dating for 2 1/2 years. She actually pulled off my dream wedding – a spontaneous trip thru a drive-thru window. So jealous! But Vicki doesn’t seem to share my sentiment. She actually says “It’s completely disrespectful when you’re a daughter of, parents, your responsibility is to at least have those parents know who you’re marrying. It’s rude, it’s disrespectful, and it’s wrong.” OK help me out with this one – ‘WHEN’ you’re the daughter of parents?? So I guess when you’re a daughter that hasn’t come from parents, it’s OK to elope? Or do daughters have to wait until they lose both of their parents to make adult decisions? I always thought if a daughter elopes, her parents should be happy that they don’t have to waste money on her wedding. I dunno. She does realize that she has to make peace with the marriage though, as she does understand that Breanna will (most likely happily) cut Vicki out of her life. So Vicki decides to use an upcoming party to announce the wedding to everyone – aka the rest of the cast of the show – and to force both Breanna and Michael to meet her boyfriend, Mr. Plural Name. More on this glorious moment in television later.
I bet Slade would be jealous of the ease in which Breanna and her dude (Um, no, I don’t remember his name, mostly because they don’t display it on the screen whenever his scenes come up like they do for the ladies) tied the knot, because this poor guy is STILL on this “I wanna propose to Gretchen” kick. He circled this issue in the last season, and a little bit a few episodes ago, and hasn’t found anyone willing to agree that this is the right decision for him. I know he desperately wants to ensure his permanent status as a husband on the show, and has dated his fair share of the cast trying to get there, but he needs to simmer down. He’s got debts he needs to clear up, and I’m thinking that being Gretchen’s bitch doesn’t pay enough to do that. Gretchen is obviously scared to marry him, with the knowledge she will assume half of his debt and lose her precious makeup and handbag fortune (does she specifically sell stuff out of the OC and/or Bravotv.com? I haven’t seen any Gretchen Christine products, well, anywhere). Who knows if he’s gonna listen…well, I guess if you have been watching, you probably know. Don’t spoil it for me, dammit. I’ll get there.
Tamra is hardly worth mentioning (which is true most of the time). She’s basically providing emotional support to Vicki and Gretchen throughout the episode. She does mention wanting to start a gym – pardon me – not a gym, but a building where people go to work out, and she is the other half of this party we are about to get into. Something about her and Vicki starting a wine club…? I guess it’s like a book club for people who can’t read, so instead of books, they drink and review wine. She’s also asking Heather’s husband about removing her ‘Simon’ tattoo from her finger, as her divorce is final. I mean really, did she not know the rule? That as soon as you tattoo your spouse/significant other’s name on your body you WILL break up? It’s like, the law.
Let’s get to the good stuff – the fiesta. Yet another party that would never be happening in real life due to the fact that the majority of these women can’t stand each other, but that’s exactly what makes it good TV. Vicki and Tamra think it would be ‘fun’ to have everyone dress in formal attire as if they are attending the Oscars instead of the ‘We can’t read so let’s review wine” party. As the room fills, it’s starting to look like a prom for elderly folks, pretty similar to how the senior prom of Beverly Hills 90210 looked back in the day.
As soon as Micheal shows up, Vicki introduces him to Plural Name, and awkwardly sends them off together to become BFF’s. One of the first things out of PN’s (short for Plural Name for those who didn’t catch on) mouth when they are alone is, “Nice to meet you. We’ve got a lot in common…” Really?! When does that statement ever follow ‘nice to meet you’? Sure, you may hear things about a person and say “I’ve heard a lot about you” or “From what I’ve heard of you, we may have some similarities”, but don’t just assume you two are meant to be. Maybe I’m over reacting a bit, but PN is pretty creepy, so it’s not just WHAT he says, but HOW he says it that makes my skin crawl. He then spits some stuff about how Michael protects his mom and thanks him for it, and then tries to lead that into a conversation about Breanna’s elopement. Sooo not smooth. Michael immediately becomes more uncomfortable than he already was, and ends their fabulous meeting. Ha. PN doesn’t let it faze him and puts his poker/creepy gold digger face back on and re-enters the party.
OK – another wench not worth mentioning pops up; Alexis. The party is legit more than halfway over at this point, and she’s just getting there. She makes this comment that she’s not late, but rather ‘fashionably on time’. All I have to say is Alexis – you’re really just fashionably stupid. Ugh.
Breanna and her dude are then shown on their way to the party. Breanna is understandably dreading her arrival, because she definitely doesn’t want to meet PN. She mentions that he drives her mom’s car, has 4 kinds in another state but is constantly in California, etc. It reminded me of a conversation Vicki was having with PN over lunch one day where he (in his creepy, non-smooth manner) asks who gets what in the divorce with Don. Vicki doesn’t even pause to think that it may be an inappropriate question, and tells him they each get to keep their huge retirement accounts, and PN’s eyes momentarily get wide with excitement. Maybe Vicki should stop being so concerned with her ‘love tank’ and make sure she keeps an eye on her damn bank account.
So anyway, they get to the party, and Vicki makes this grand speech with tears in her eyes about her kids being her life, and Breanna breaking this news to her that changes all of their lives forever. This probably isn’t the best approach, as we know Breanna recently had a pretty serious health scare and I’m sure the people that didn’t know were fearing the worst. But alas, the marriage is revealed, and everyone squeaks and squeals over the ring and the husband for a few minutes. Then Vicki wants to announce her own surprise, to which Breanna says “don’t tell me you’re engaged”, (don’t think that she’s not gonna hold onto that comment for eternity, Breanna!). But it’s Vicki’s brother, and there are a few more moment of squealing and squeaking, but it’s good to see Breanna happy. It’s so weird how I actually like Breanna, and how sane she is considering, you know, her crazy ass mother.
There’s a few filler moments, then PN is at it again – cornering Vicki and Tamra and telling them how much he loves their sons. We are talking about boys he JUST met at this party, and is babbling on and on about how amazing they are and how they have such amazing attributes. Tamra notices the ick factor, probably because she is now scared for her son’s safety (as anyone should be), and I’m thinking that Vicki either has to be SO desperate for love that she overlooks the weirdness of it all, or she’s just that stupid. I can’t wait until they play these moments back at the reunion for everyone to laugh at…
So in closing, we have Vicki forcing Breanna and her husband to sit in a room alone and talk to PN. Breanna is obviously hesitant, and even begins to get emotional in anticipation. When you think about it, she’s still dealing with her mom and Don divorcing (BTW – Don was so awesome! He put up with Vicki’s b.s., he adopted Breanna and Michael, and was pretty good comic relief in Vicki’s consistently dreadful scenes) and this new creepy guy that no one, including Vicki, seem to know anything about, on top of all her stuff going on. But Vicki won’t let up. PN doesn’t disappoint, going on about how he’s been praying for her, he feels like he knows her already, and how 2 midwestern women came to California to meet two southern men. WTF. Vicki then jumps in talking about how they’re all in love, to which Breanna mentions (under her breath) how different it is. This of course angers Vicki, and sets off this intense stare-down which ends the episode.
Sigh. Part of me is really happy that Vicki is being such a dumbass when it comes to PN. She harped on Gretchen for dating Slade with his child support issues, but has no opposition to PN, who formerly went to jail because of his own child support issues, AND is spending 90% of his time in California with her instead of home with his 4 kids. Plus he doesn’t seem to work, unless you consider googling creepy pick up lines ‘work’ – which it may just be, since she seems to be paying his way. Oh, did you notice that’s another thing she talks about Slade for? Not working and living off Gretchen? Yeah…I think I need to actually get on Twitter the night of the reunion so Andy Cohen can bring my comments directly to her… 🙂
Next week we have Alexis’ – I mean – Alexis’ daughter’s birthday party. I might actually lose the few IQ points I do have listening to her…