OK, so I’m late, AND I’m doing this off memory, so bear with me. Or stop reading. Your choice. But keep reading.
Teen Mom 2 has come to its season finale/reunions. Side note – does anyone remember when reunion shows were just ONE show that recapped the season?? Now we have MTV, VH1 and Bravo especially doing 3 and 4 part reunions. I find it tedious, is it just me? Well, I have finally seen both the reunion shows, I’m gonna speak my piece.
I used to start with Jenelle because she was freshest on my mind and always had the best story (aka sleeping with homeless men and physically assulting her mother) and was my only reason for even watching this group of bozos. But as she sat there on the couch, a glassy look in her eyes as she responded to Dr. Drew’s obnoxious and repetitive questions with the utmost sense of calm, I lost all respect I had for her. Who is she to grow up and get her life together, dammit?!? Why now?? OK, there’s the idea of being a good mom and getting a good education, but she started early, she has plenty of time to make replacement kids and do it right – I don’t think its polite to do that while under contract to provide me with good TV. Anyway, she’s been to rehab and she was most scared of not having her electronics and giving up the old wacky tabacky. She had a brief relapse, but sadly is still clean (at least as of the reunion). I got excited to see hints of my dear Jenelle came out when Barb sashayed in in her Sunday best, ready to flirt with Dr. Drew because she’s newly single. But even Barb nagging her and laughing/snorting at her didn’t make her flip. She was even able to name 3 things that made Barb a good mom, and didn’t get mad when Barb took an extra few seconds to try to complete her list. As this boring snoozefest moves on, we learn that she is currently single, so that is my last hope. I’m traveling to North Carolina in a few days and my mission is to get on the freeway until I find Kieffer’s camp, ask him to smell his green sweater, then reunite him with Jenelle and her season 2 paycheck. You’ll thank me when season 3 comes around…One thing I wish they showed more of was a glimpse into Barb’s single life. Follow her around the town one night. Tape her riding the mechanical bull that I’m sure is standard in every restaurant/bar out there, and let us see how she gets those men hooked. We can all learn from Barb.
Let’s get the crybaby white-haired one out of the way now. Leah is acting remorseful about her divorce (knowing good and well her new man was sitting backstage waiting for her), crying to Drew like it was some long, happy marriage. She expected Cory to just go to counseling and forget the fact that she spreads her legs every time another man gives her a compliment. I actually think she bleaches her hair each time she cheats – trying to wash that whore scent off of every last inch of her. And what’s up with the rounded-out poofy hairdo she fancies so much? It’s like her white hair forms a perfect circle around her head, framing her pumpkin orange face like a halo. I dunno. Maybe that’s what the fashions are like in trailer town. Cory (Jesusgod, Leah!) is still pissed, as he rightfully should be, and basically snarls at her and shrugs off most of what everyone is saying. I’m glad he finally sees her for the liar she is, and I actually think he’s one of the best, if not THE best dads on the series. He might be tied with Derek (Sophia’s dad), but Derek…oh yeah. Nevermind. Pretend I didn’t just insensitively write that. Their parents come on stage, and the show continues to be boring. They are fine sharing the twins, but that’s the only time they see each other. Waaah, waaah waah. I can’t wait til shes 23 with 5 kids and reminiscing about the good old days when she had a hardworking husband she could cheat on. Jesusgod, Leah! Get yourself together, and dye your hair brunette – pronto!
Now we will take a walk on the wild side and explore our animal-esque characters, otherwise known as Kailyn and Jo. Kailyn looks different, and it took a friend pointing it out for me to notice that she actually appears to have bathed! Like that one episode where she knew she was meeting up with Jo so she decided to take off her black baseball cap and try out some bangs, most likely to balance out the whiskers on her cheeks. She bluntly admits that her first choice of a mate would be the equally beastly, ever-so-skilled rapper, Jo, BUT she wants to keep Jordan on the side in case Jo says no. They admit to having primal sex, and the whole time, Kailyn is arguing that Jordan doesn’t understand how hard it is on HER. Yeah, that makes sense. It’s so hard being a cheater and having your mate get upset with you. They have no right! They simply need to sit there and be available for when they’re needed. You would think Jordan would have some ounce of backbone, considering he’s 9 feet tall, but he’s ready and willing to forgive Kailyn, even though he knows Jo is her first choice. I don’t blame her though. Jo has immense flow and like, 3 groupies – he’s livin the life. Who wouldn’t wanna be a part of that? Hell, I think Jordan might wanna trade Kailyn in for Jo himself. Jo wants to do that old school ‘cough-sneeze’ to let everyone know that they did sex many more times than the show featured (but I think you can catch it on Animal Planet or National Geographic), so she casually brings up the STD that she passed to Jordan, assuming it came from Jo. Now I used to think she actually was faithful because all she ever has is her boyfriends family since her mom is such a weirdo, but she’s actually had a few boyfriends since Jordan as well. Never judge an animal by their fur.
Ah Chelsea. I would say she has bricks for brains, but hell, she doesn’t even have enough up there to compile a single brick. She’s still drooling over Adam and his over sized tank tops every time he shows her the slightest bit of attention (aka he’s horny and knows she’s a sure bet). And we learn they are kinda together but not really? I don’t know, and frankly I don’t care. They both got whiny about how they sleep with each others best friends to make each other mad, then just end up back together. I’m telling you guys, Adam comes around when the cameras are rolling so he can try to claim some of her paycheck, which I’m sure she gladly hands over to him before pleasuring him. I would rather Megan take her place next season, I need a damn brunette back in the cast. Plus, I can’t stand the way every sentence Chelsea speaks comes out as a question with an upward inflection at the end. Nor can I her her say ‘But…I love him. Love. Him. I just love him. My heart was like, this much hurt, now its, like, less hurt…’ you get the point. And if you don’t, just consider yourself lucky.
Well now that these whores are done for a while, I can’t wait to get back to the OG’s! But I wonder what they’re going to do since Amber officially ended her contract. It would be awesome to see her mugshot in those pics they do in the opening credits though. And Maci is single! Maybe she will come to her senses and get back with that sexy baby daddy of hers, and let that albino bulldog be free to roam creatures more his kind, such as Kailyn…Let me see you come up with a better match than that, Millionaire Matchmaker lady! Ha.